a Winter in Tahoe

4.21.20

i thought i'd just spend today in bed knitting
but i ended up painting with vik
and finished learning fever dream
and got way better at homesick
and i feel better about my performance of homesick online

i'm feeling more centered overall
tomorrow i'll get outside
and hopefully start knitting again

i'm noticing my head feels way more balanced 
with respect to the social approval reward system
and i'm less interested in
watching tv or
scrolling around the internet 
for nothing

there's nothing on the internets i've been looking at anymore
so tomorrow let's just
chill on that
yeah?


4.19.20

ecstatic dance was perfect this morning
so was cleaning my house
and flattening my new painting
and going for a walk

i stayed far off the beaten path
drawn to a stream that slithered
beneath what patches of snow were left
and wandered beyond ponds
held by fallen limbs
and trunks of trees once 
standing

i found magic everywhere today
in the deep blue of the sky
the browns and greens of
plants and earth thawing
the scarlet snow flowers
and chartreuse lichen
that pills on the weave of bark
dressing the forest

i found play in 
finding my first
lean-to
lifting a heavy trunk and
balancing it on
propped-up branches 
lying beneath me.

what a delight to ask the earth for permission to play 
in this way
and witness the impact of it - 
mycelial nets ripped apart
homes for spiders and centipedes broken
i saw that even when playing with
the dead and discarded
i still tore apart
the fabic of life here

it seems 
in ways
there is no escaping that

only to lesser degrees

it'd been a while since I'd been outside
i'm glad I went, and i look forward to 
more journeys into the untraveled forests.

i also made some art using
cedar pods and pine needles
on snow

i hope to do more of that too.
i feel so at home in nature
it's nice to remember that
home is everywhere
and that our feet were made to be on the soil
no the pavement or carpets 
we put under them.



4.12.20

i did six impossible things before breakfast today
well technically i still haven't had breakfast
and it's 9:28pm

i was woken by the moon's call
bright light loving my room at 4:30 in the morning
I put off the moon's call for as long as I could
but by 5:30 I was out the door.

I'd hike to the top of mount watson today
the moon told me.

I made it up to the first switchback by the time the sun rose
I watched fire coming out of a monkey's head
i got lost in heaven
I went over the edge
and I made a big mistake.

I also spent 16 hours on a mountain today
I made a snowman taller
and smoother than
me

I got sunburnt a little
I watched the sunrise and sunset
I snowboarded in the dark

I went to ecstatic dance at the top of this mountain
and watched nick's LP release party 
and listened to porangui's medicine music
all today

i talked to my dad
i meditated a lot
I saw bats the other day
today I saw a golden eagle
many crows
many woodpecker
a chipmunk
a squirrel 
a boat or two
and a few planes

I saw a myriad of clouds
and colors that stretched across the whole rainbow.
i am dead beat and pooped
i still haven't eaten but i am making myself some food medicine right now
so that i may rest soon

i am excited to look at the photos i've taken
and also to paint from memory

i feel i can hike that mountain again and stay up there all day
painting the scenery
next time i'll bring 
more water and
maybe some food and
definitely sunscreen


3.31.20

a transformation
from being treated as a little one
whose dreams are considered delusions
and forced to go every which way others take us
to being strong in their own beliefs
voicing and sharing their visions
that take them and others
to places no one had ever imagined

this is the kernel of a great deal of grief
a dream i have had for as long as i can remember

do you believe in your self anymore?
because you used to

if only it were as easy as
finding yourself wrapped in silk
to melt and solidify again

i miss my imagination
and my sense of adventure
my /much/ness

so its time to find that again.
why do i want so bad to be the hero of my own story?
to play the lead role in my life?
what lies in that need?
i wonder.



3.29.20

these tears come
from those sweet memories of
taking a first step
out of the most comfortable fog
to find light

its warmth, luminous cascade of 
complexity
depth beyond belief

each moment we live in this beauty 
and i keep forgetting 
that its there
and i am part of it too.

love
warmth
safety

its the cocoon you used to know
unwraveled into blankets you use
to soothe you from the unknown

take your beating heart
and bless everything with it
shy away from no thing
invite it all within.


-

i still wish
i were a more beautiful person
despite all this time
ive worked to learn
how beautiful i really am

when will that desire end?
when someone else shows up in my life and loves me?
or when i finally show up for my self.

you're beautiful josh
you deserve that
and so does everything else.

-

i miss school a lot

-

i still compare myself to esther
but actually
maybe i just feel inspired

i'm all alone out here in tahoe
i don't have access to anything right now
or any one right now but
i feel so inspired to somehow help out in this

looking at what i'm doing and
looking at what esther's been doing
helping out by making hand sanitizer in breweries
helping out by working on a prototype ventilator

i can totaly help out here
i know i could be helping out
but instead i'm
here
in my room
watching tv and
drawing
and making music

so when is it time to start making moves
or just sitting alone in a cabin in the woods
loving life.

-

the work is at the boundary of black and white
we are maxwell's demons,
escorting the dark to light
or the light to dark

but the place i want to be
is fuzzy in the grey
escorting the darkness
navigating it through the weeds
and helping it find its way
to love and light

-

what if life started out in this 'mode of magic'
what if we were wrong about the apple in the garden of eden
what if it wasn't knowledge in that forbidden fruit
but it was food of the animals
as opposed to food of the gods




3.26.20

ive been experimenting with cannabis
and have found it to be extremely helpful when taken intentionally
not recreationally
not explorationally

i find it tames my apetite
i find it energizes me and motivated me
i find it removes my fear and hesitation



3.19.20

today was about
creating an abundance
of nature
and adventure
in my life

so i left the house as soon as I could
and took my strides one step at a time
up and through the woods
with my snowboard
and my backpack
i traveled for nearly four hours

i remember that
the most beautiful things i saw
only happened for a moment

like schools of snow flakes
light as a feather
fluttering from
the pine's branch 
up above

or in a 
torrential cascade
of snow no longer in shade
plummeting from tree tops
in plumes
but the glitter that lingers
fluttering like fingers
from the sun's filtered rays,
tree imbued

so yes,
i cut my first line
in the backwoods

exchanging hard work
for sweet sweet turns

In the backcountry
there's no guarantee
that i am where i think i am
or that i'm going the right way
or that i won't get stuck
in a strand of trees
or on a flat

and i did
both

but there's also a real sense of
adventure
exploration
especially when i see
no tracks other than those
cut by
me


oh, also i landed my first backflip on a snowboard.
it felt amazing.
i can still feel my body buzzing
but that might also just be the breathwork from toinght.

i cooked myself a meal and it was nice

thanks for loving yourself josh.
i lofe you too.


3.18.20

well it's been 
a long time
and i wish
you felt fine
but as we 
taste the time
in fine wine
last in line
ive lost
what is mine

this is what i haven't been doing lately
a centering practice that kept me together
all here in plain text for whomever to see

i miss the simplicity of this connection
and expression
and protection i gave myself
thought the practice of journaling

i need more time outside
spent much of today online
though i cooked for my self
for the first time in a while

i saw the whole sky
turn from white to pink to twilight
and the mist from the east
eat the mountains small feet

i wanted to play
music all day
for those who were waiting
to see

me find my tones
and my skin
and my bones
and my loner
less lone
for the day

contacted belated
young warrior sedated
sorceress bandana masquerade
suzanne and the man
saw magic in a van
and left their lives our of parades

freedom of expression 
is what i've left behind
somehow ive dicsonnected from
the light of divine

ive wandered too far
from the channel i've found
and now i am lost
using eyes endless looking round
but that is not how
one finds the channel now
it's not to see or hear
you can't use sight or sound
the only way though
is the holes in your room
the room you call home
the home you call self

so breathe into that self
and feel the center suspended
in jelly and toothache and 
marshmallow bounded
tied in tight rope lace
and bruised with blunt cake
dont you let it sit there 
and rot in cavtivity place
begin to enlighten
and warm up your core
and melt all that binds it
then give it some more
for the light that shines full
will reflect evermore
and that you can channel
and with that you can score.

2.25.20

turning around in a vast sea
teardropps rolling down
weathered steeps colored in the night
a silver spine shows the light its gown

and i don't expect you to see the
way the water floats on itself
a skin thinner than theater
no matter now
my heart it melts


turn this around and let it drift
spinning in turns till someone wins
but can you blame them for the wind
a tethered game played before sin

and i don't want to hear your story
pinning sights alike to death or glory
take another look at the issue
this time through lenses misused


towers built brick by brick
show mastery of stone
but when we wander through the thick
one can see with eyes alone
and the sticks can show us home

2.18.20

last night i
kind of... 
died
in my sleep

I was in a realistic dream
with my family
white walls
but a different home
and my sister was making fun of me
recounting some memory that 
decidedly didn't happen
when she told me that
i was clearly dreaming.

so i decided to wake from that dream
but didn't know how.

the memory was that of 
danger
death rapping at my door
or more like clawing at 
the air surrounding me

and at that recount,
i felt the fear there again
that time i feared my whole family was killed
that i was next
so i wondered

'why do i keep running from this fear'
'what keeps me away from this death'

so i took a breath,
and followed the fear that froze me
my heart sunk and burned like a hot knife
limbs froze
the air sucked out of me
as the images began to swirl
like razors in a cyclone
of the undead and monsters
masked murderes and gore
so i pressed on
straight into the pain
and fear
and then
calm

was this the eye of the storm?
i wanted to shed my fear of death
to see what was on the other side
so I brought it back to me 
and woke up.

My family was gone
but i was not in my room
it would take me another moment to realize
i was still in a dream
and then
i was back.

I'm not sure i ever had dreams like that before.
so realistic and enclosed and encompassed.
my stomach was very upset.

the experience of going through death
reminded me of experiences this man had
in connecting and journeying 
a trance state.

im interested, but uncertain
we'll see.


--


work was hard today
i  sent off the valentine i was supposed to send
and recieved a crochet fox for my valentine
im tired
and keep feeing myself poorly
and thats how it goes

i can't wait for this week to end
but maybe tomorrow will be better 


2.16.20

Woke up at 6 today and watched the sunrise casually
poineers in the morning
a private in the evening
best tips i've had all season today
but also - some of the most fun
teaching a beginner how to ski today
keeping things
smiley styley

today was the first time I
went to an OPEN MIC
and the audience
even though they were mostly
restauranters dining with family
they listened to me
and cheered for me after every song.
I felt appreciated
and that made me want to play way way more.
I met dennis and Diana
and andrew came to listen
i'm so excited to keep playing music!
and to keep playing at open mic nights!

okay now it's time to make GF banana muffins
hehehehehe
im stoked
life is goooooood
also im tired.



2.4.20

is it my fault
that what i am doing
doesnt fit into
what my family may think
is appropriate?

that it doesn't make sense to them
how i behave
how i perceive
how i live

i just want to be held and supported
in what i do
but perhaps the lesson here is
to learn how to hold and support my self

that, after all, feels like a
real rite of passage
voyaging into spaces where
no one you know loves you
is there to help

its clear im still struggling
is it my fault i'm a bit depressed?
there's groundwork to do and i'm ignoring it in
favor of
a job
again

i cant entirely tell if
ive learned everything i have to learn here
and its time to do my work

or

im running
again

but either way
something has to change

luckily, time
makes that easy.


i don't want to go visit my family in colorado.
it feels... wrong somehow.
i want to let that tradition die.
so something new can come of us.

02.02.20

It's already getting dark
I'm in the cozy studio,
toasting multigrain bread in
preparation for coconut oil
and peanut butter
and banana

but dreaming out the window
i find myself drawn 
to the feathers frozen
falling fast forever
this timeless night

i struggle with myself
tasting treats
one after another
that bread spread and
then spicy peanuts

but my child 
and my shaman
prevail

donning proper wear
i descend the stair
treat the dusted path 
to some clarity
to begin the ascent

mine are the only footprints
i see tire paths
and tread trails
turned soft by snow

so as i turn toward the trees
i feel nice
alone
welcome
to home

the light is still here
the storm settling
thoughts whisp by
sharper than the winds
i want my mind to sort out
what to do
so i let them settle 
and find a favorite tree
a shelter from branches
the field

moon is shrouded by now
intent comes
walk one path to the center
forge an angel in the snow
and return in those same
foot falls
from which i came

so it begins
slowly
under guidance of the half moon
i walk steadily till
it teaches me where center is
and i fall backward.

the angel forms in moments
but my time on the ground
is not over

one breath
then another
each time
falling deeper
into
now

clouds thicken
wind howls
trees sway
snow sticks to face
falls in lashes
on cheeks
kisses lips
even in eye

the light falls too
sometime between when
i first closed my eyes
to when i remembered 
to look around me

when once i couldn't see 
any flakes above me
now i can watch them
cross the brightness
of half moon

i feel i have super vision
holding all of the
speckles tight in my eye

perhaps thats what i got
for breathing into the cold
surrendering body
and mind
for that which surrounded me
or that i was

I thanked the creeping cold
pain filled extremeties

struggling again
to decide to stay or leave
this time realize
its not my mind ready to move
desiring food or visual stimuli
but my body in vibration
so i dance

first in waves of shivers 
waking up
'hi!'
there i am again

what death i gave to the cold,
snow,
moon,
winds,
forest

i took back
in life 
through dance

wiggling digits
waving limbs
shaking shoulders
and finally
rising

we gave birth to dance
me the moon and i
don't know what it was
but that isnt important

the line of prints
that took us to the field
i found it in my dance
and that is where it ended

so traveling back 
the way i came
refreshed and re
connected to forest
snow
shadows
silver
i felt unready to return

a path opened up to me
not one taken
but a wander to
wildness
untapped passage
in the playground
i call life

soft steps on
shallow snow over
crusty rooves 
with fine powder rooms

my feet found themselves
surpirsed and sturdy sometimes
misteken and sunken others
and on we went

moon still shrouded
i could see it clearer now
the shadows of tall pines punctuating
a silver slope 

pausing to feel in place
because ever since i learned how to see flat
sometimes i forget how
to feel all that surrounds me

i recognize it's time
i meet some trees

one beckons
i feel uncertain but follow the call
i place my brow against its bark
and pour love
appreciation
into its cold slow core
i expect something in return
nothing comes
a hug and a kiss and goodbye.

then i spot the tree that draws me
closer now, but not one-three
and i pour them some love
some appreciation
realizing that
just like seedlings
tall trees need love to grow 
to fluorish
so each of them receives it
and a hug and a kiss
and this time, they give back
three tall cones
sugar pine
lie there under snow
in wait for me

upon bidding them goodbye
the sky clears
moon is now bright and perfect
orion sits above the way home
and i find a packed path
probably from prior passages
that im keen to take

a light in the distance startles me
i watch my heart shock
shake and shudder
fold up like
the leaves of mimosa
sensitive plant
then tingle and tickle
gently to warm again

something calls me to take a photo on the way home
so i take two
using the cones as a surface,
one long exposure of the sky,
and one of my sitting in the trees.

i am happy with the photos
but the moon quickly clouds
and i am struck with a feeling of
regret, pain, sorrow
in my chest
as if I knew I crossed a boundary
the moon - that photo
i must delete it
for its beauty is not to be taken with me
the memory of it on this night is to live only inside me.

I walk, though - hoping that my feelings will change
hoping that the sky will change
so i can keep my image
and share it with others
though the longer i go
the more numb i get 
to my own feelings
until i am no longer with the forest,
or the moon, or the snow, or the sky.

falling to my knees, i cry
weep and mourn the loss of my image
and letting it go
i delete it

no sooner
the sky clears
moon again crisp and close as ever
orion and stars screaming in clarity
i smile and think to myself
well if i want to be close to nature
want to be one with it
then i must listen to it
be attuned to it
know it when it cannot speak to me otherwise
respect and intuition are key here.

i want to embody that.

thank you for tonight.

can you just tell me where my mom is?

the plow comes by
red and white
casting its innocent shadows

1.30.20

what a beautiful two days i've had.

when following self, heart, and body,
magic is so readily found.
all it takes is 
getting closer to what is
rather than what i am thinking

the day began how it normally does, but...
with enough rest and
a burning sunrise and 
less lethargy than normal.
i listened to NPR on the way in to work for some reason
i never do that.
it was a special on the impeachement trial
and the outbreak in wuhan
it wasn't the most enjoyable experience
i remember getting really angry at a radio host
who was interviewing elizabeth warren trying to
paint a picture on her.
she wasn't even evading the question, just...
basically saying his point was irrelevant, and he wouldn't let up.

I showed up to work on time and was a little sad to see
I'd been selected to teach skiiers that day.
i put on my boots and signed in and went downstairs
it was such a quiet day. 
maybe four guests came through total
and there were so many of us down there boot fitting and
greeting and helping out.
The supervisors said not everyone would get work
and I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't
I did a headstand with my ski boots on
Fel tried to do a handstand, I did a cartwheel
then I got bored and went over to K, 
who was greeting for snowboard school.
He was having a rough day and was holding it in.
Listening to emo 90's pop-punk.
But still putting on that smile despite his sunken heart.
I hung with him for a while, holding space for him in ways.
it was nice to be there with him.  it was nice to feel like
i was just being me - the ski instructor who was supposed to 
be boot fitting but instead was holding space for a friend
and co-worker who could really use some company.

i went back to boot fitting and then some drama started.
The supervisors began drawing names out of a bin
to go work at the adult ski school.  My name wasn't one of them
but a few people got selected to go work there.
I was given priority to work over others because I
have a level 1 certification - even though mine is in
snowboarding.  I felt strange about this, but I went with it.
I was asked if I wanted to work today and my 
mouth said yes, which isn't what my mind thought but
it was what my body felt like doing.  I was assigned a 
young boy who didn't speak much english, and my body immediately
rejected it.  My supervisor said I could just instruct using 
body language and the child did respond to her asking him to 
mirror her, but my body was still saying 'no'.  The boys parents 
realized that he wasn't necessarily going to get a spanish-speaking
instructor, and then requested he be given one.  *phew*. I was reassigned
to a 7-yo girl who was a level 2+.  

This was my first 2+ lesson - ever.  Finally, someone who is capable of
skiing parts of the mountain other than green runs.  Finally,
a challenge for me - pushing my ability as a teacher past the 
introduction to the sport and into refining techniques.
Carol was quiet at first
actually she was pretty quiet the whole time.
Her english was incredibly mature
she has excuisite pronounciation and
and huge vocabulary for someone who is only 7 years old.
Not to mention she speaks 3 languages fluently.
She was also by far the most adventurous and attentive student i've had.
totally comfortable with speed, but only on the condition that
she still felt she was in control.  A good listener and willing to try new things.
We started out on mild blues, wedge turning slowly at first, then at speed.
I took her to mountain meadow to introduce wedge christies and traversing,
then we went back to the mild blues to try it on there.
After lunch we went to a pretty difficult steep blue off of gold coast.
We were joined by Mike for a bit - he was shadowing me -
evaluting my perfomance as an instructor, and then accompanied 
by her mom and two sisters.  We took another run on gold coast
and learned how to used closed turns to slow down on steep terrain,
then practiced wedge christies on the shallow terrain.
One of her sisters fell on the steep part and we kept going.
Carol fell three times the whole day.
After another run we went in for a break - I bought carol
a hot chocolate and we sat in the funi building to drink it.
Carol said 'it's too much hot chocolate!' so I gave her a small 
cup of it and let her finish tiny cups of it at a time.
About half-way through her family came by.  I really wanted
some of the hot chocolate, but Carol took the cup and gave it
to her mother and sisters.  It was so heart-warming to see 
her sharing the gift I gave her with others.  She is so
emotionally mature in that way.  I smiled as I watched her
family finish the hot chocolate, and her mom gave me a $20
which I now realize I should have made change and gave her back $18.
but I was so eager for a tip that I took it - how potentially rude of me.
Oh well.  Cest la vie.  Carol and I went out for one more run.
She got stuck in some deep powder and we called it a day, even 
though she really really wanted to keep skiing.  It was
such a pleasure to teach carol.  

I went home beaming.  I took the $20 tip and put it into 
Pass it On thrift.  Bought two plates and a fur hat and 
a candle that looks like a birch tree and a mic cable.
Well they gave me the candle for free.
I hung out with Josh and (I keep forgetting her name)
while the store closed, just talking about synchronicities.
Josh is from upstate NY.  His home mountain is partners with 
homewood, 4 minutes away from where he lives now.  He met his wife
who is 18 years older than him while ski instructing.
I suppose life can be crazy like that.
I wanted a cookie or something but I eneded up just going to the shore.
I watched the sunset and felt the sky holding me.
Losing mind for moments as my breath and the waves were one.
As the fading colors in the sky lifted my heart.

I needed to pee and found a restroom just on the shore
it was warm and cozy inside, and there was a sign that said 
'no sleeping in the restroom'
i can see why.

connected to my surroundings, I meandered up the trail
until i found two men who asked me for weed
we talked about life and drugs and jobs and 
work and nature and the nature of things
and watched the last remaining light leave.
when i got cold, i left and they went to go eat.

By the time i got home i was pretty pooped
but soooo hungry.
I took some of the red-lentil dal I'd made earlier
and the curried vegetables I made last week
and fried them in olive oil
wrapped that in a flour tortilla
and toasted the toritilla in butter.
i made sure to toast every last surface of that tortilla
and while I was cooking all this up I was eating those
magic chilli peanuts xiao gave me
drinking bengal spice tea
by the time i got to the burrito i was half-full
but I turned off all the lights
lit the candle
said a prayer for the earth and all the gifts it gives us
and imagined all the plants that i used in my meal growing
and took my first bite
while melting into my chair
i my warm room.

dinner went quick
i could only finish half the burrito and then i kind of crashed on my bed
but i wasn't ready to sleep
so i started to dance
then a melody came in my head and I recorded it on my looper pedal
then i started dancing again
which turned into yoga
and when the looping song was too much
i turned it off and finished yoga.
my phone had already been turned off for an hour
and it was only 8pm, said the microwave.
i love having a clock that isn't a phone.
i picked up the didgeridoo and blew for a while
found a new technique and practiced my circle breathing
about halfway through, carol's mom texted me
asking if I was available tomorrow for a private lesson.
I said yes and she connected me to her sister in law,
who would request a private for the next day with me!
and when 9 rolled around.
i went to bed, and excited as I was, I realized that
excitement wasn't helping me sleep.

I had a crazy dream and I'll leave that out of here
because I already wrote it down in my journal but 
just know that... the president and a bunch of other dudes
and some otherworldly entity were really messing with
the planet, and I was somehow part of their team, but I 
was 'the weaver', and i never figured out what my role really was...

I took my momrning easy.
didn't feel like I wanted to be pressured by time
woke up with 9 hours of sleep
packed my bag, brought the other half of the burrito to work
and left listening to 'i' from kendrick.
i love my self
Work was a load of adventures
but i got my private morning lesson
and had a blast.
calling out to my other instructor friends on the mountain
and being supported by them whooping 'go josh!'
helping everyone in my lesson improve, despite their various skill levels
and age levels! I taught an adult!
I felt pretty confident all day, it was nice.
I videochatted xiao on chute 75
I ejected on red dog ridge
I came home and made myself a snack then
biked 10 miles on the trail i'd been wanting to bike forEVER
watched one of the most beautiful sunsets i'd seen
connected with nature again
built another beautiful burrito
and now i'm pooped and ready to tuck myself in.

I've been good to myself lately and it's showing.
I really appreciate it
thanks josh.
::heart::

1.28.20

and again

22. the swedish child in the morning
excited to get on his board but also
so distracted by anything and everything
about him.
do you really want to snowboard?
or just play with the snow?
or just cry for mother?
or take breaks to snack or
find stickers or
well i can't blame you
though you like like you're
five or six
you're only 4.6
so good job
even though you only really wanted to snowboard
to show your parents that you could do it
and somehow, that makes me sad.
maybe it's just the projection that
as a child
i went through such great lengths
just to witness that love and excitement
from my parents 
as they watched me grow.

in the afternoon was two sisters
4 and 5
quiet at first but
slowly as we began playing in the snow
and talking about colors and animals
and building snowmen and frozen
they opened up.
and we made so much progress.
there is something in the
familial bond -
these sisters were like ice climbers
each one carrying the other forward
it was inspiring to watch their camraderie
and desire to learn to snowboard together
i really like working in those familial teams.

23.  spent detoxing
finishing the last of mr robot so that
i could stop binging on TV
and it kind of worked.
but that day was such a rabbit hole.

i did discover again
my innate desire
for transformation

it sits there 
like a seed ready for spring
waiting to crack the shell
but i know not how to crack it
or how it will grow

i also connected with mom and dad again
it was nice to do so.  to catch up and
fill each other in - in ways.  even if 
they don't have personal development
or difficulty or anything *spicy* to share
it is nice to relate with them, to touch them.
so I appreciated our conversation.

24. early morning rise
finally watched my first sunrise from the shores of tahoe city
then drove straight to tamara
we talked of collecting my self
so that i would not be drained by my job
of taking back the energy that i give
to my students and coworkers and bosses and
giving back the energies that i held for them.
we talked of working on creating a safe container
for my self - noticing that i was desiring more
space-time for my own growth.  
and as i type this i realize that 
the seeds i'd sown
are already sprouting
and i have not yet let my self die.
i hope one last frost won't kill them.
though i suppose if it does
then one year of fallow fields may do us all good.

we also talked of having children
she is pregnant
i keep thinking about it
partially because im surrounded by children but also
because i desire committed parnership - 
i am lonely here, in a way that i was not in sf.

later that day i went to MOM with xiao
shopping for chinese new years' hot pot
hosted by xiao 
carl and i helped put up decorations on the doorway
and i helped chop and cook
and prepare the room
and we had a feast
and i found someone that looked a lot like jane
but i only noticed the similarity after we'd talked for
quite a while.
i really like hot pot
and the way it can bring people together
communal meals are amazing
especially ones where everyone is eating from
the same plate or bowl or platter or pot

the night ended with xiao and carl and judy and i
up at 4 or someting am
talking about pornography
i hadn't stayed up that late in forever
there was a timelessness there that 
i missed from the days when
4am was just another time that rolled around
nearly every day.
it reminded me of pervanon
and senior house
a lot

25. waking up late
hot pot for lunch
then cleaning up the glen and
fooling around with my looper pedal and
walking in glen park with xiao at dusk

there is something magical
about the way two friends meet
and lift each other higher off the ground
till we're both floating in clouds
rosy-cheeked enough to
find the novelty
in the places we'd both been
1000 times before.

xiao gave me flower earrings
we watched the birds perform
and dove into the shadows of the trees
to hear the shallow stream burble
waiting for it to BURP

the hoot of the owl calling us home
and my mission to help teach dance
at ye's chinese new year party.
where i caught up with dan
and krishna
and taught contact improv for the first time
then bailed to come home to xiao
and ben and paul philosoraptoring
then
rest.

26. D  A  N  C  E
ecstatic was exactly what i needed
contact with my loved ones
my peers my peeps my homies my inspiration
music and yoga and community and movement and 
the divine inspiration that keeps us flowing
so much juice and love and support here
i dont know why i leave this, but i love it so much.

dance turned to vanadventures
turned to xiaomuffinvanadventures
turned to picnic in the park feat.
hawk and raven, sunsets and tiny insects
dried persimmon and oolong 
and so much silliness and closeness
one last moment in mr van before
we headed back to the mission
for a burrito at el metate
and then home.

xiao gave me many gifts upon departure
rice cakes and spicy peanuts and citrus
and persimmon and choco-pie and koala chocolates 
for the road
hugs and forever waves and love
i didn't want to leave
i miss that connection and closeness a lot
but on i went
and i drove and kept myself safe
propping up dropping eyelids with kit-kat bars and
bengal tiger spice tea
arriving at 1:30 am to a feezing home
and put myself to rest.

27. work again
went in and wore a lion suit for the pioneers
but they called in too many people
so i volunteered to leave and take the day to myself.
the morning i skiied in a lion onesie 
in frigid winds and ice
but im starting to get the hang of skiing again.
so that's nice.
flying down parts of granite peak 
slowly remembering how to turn in moguls and
press through powder.
but i was pooped.
so i left and spent the rest of the day on my computer,
watching princess mononoke as 
the plumber fixed my heater
and fix it he did.
im so grateful to have heat again.

28. this one will be short since I want to rest
had two cousins today - 6 and 7
the comraderie again was wonderful
funny watching the one who was crying in the morning
and the one who was stoked to go out and snowboard
switch places at the end of the day.

fear gets in everyone's way
don't forget that.

watched 'tales from earthsea'
id been meaning to read those books for a long time now
i think it's about time
the film was wonderful

i love the way ghibli portrays love
it's positive, giving, supporting, providing,
it's innocent, non-attached, open.
keep that with you, josh.

i also picked up my brush again today
dragons and oceans and suns and flowers came out
it was nice but i still feel blocked
im not letting myself free 
partically because i'm afraid of wasting paper
but i know that's just a block
i have so much paper

the apricots are starting to sprout
and im pooped
that is all loves

hope tomorrow is just as good as today

1.21.20

howd i let
almost a whole week pass
well...
i know how.


16. was my accidental day off
it snowed and snowed
and i wanted to go outside but
i didn't because i did a bunch of errands in the morning
when it was still storming
but not snowing
and i left my jacket at syd's bagels.
it was on that day that
i went out on an icy wooden pier
into the lake
to meet the growing waves
and rushing winds
with splendor and yawps
and photograph their emotions
but on the way back,
the wind almost swept me
clear off the pier
boot claws not grabby enough.
i spent the day indoors probably watching a lot of tv
and maybe cooking

17. i was back on for work,
i don't really remember what happened this day
but what happened at night stuck.
at 2 am i heard loud beeps overhead
the previous night this had happened too
but a quick open of the door shut that alarm off.
tonight, even opening all the windows and doors wouldn't do it
i looked up symptoms of carbon monoxide poisoning
and started feeling woozy, numb limbs, confusion, tired
probably psychosomatic but... the CO alarm said called the police
so i called the police
and they transferred me to the fire department
and they sent a whole ladder engine + ambulence
three firefighters came over
and initially, couldn't find a trace of carbon monoxide (CO)
we hung around and turned on the heater again.
maybe a half hour elapsed, maybe it was 10 minutes
but they found 11ppm of CO coming off the heater and
declared it non-operational
so i lost heat
and i lost my ability to sleep
but a song came through
so i got out of the warm bed
and warmed up the loop station
and let the notes looping in my head
ring true from my amp.
slowly
words began to fill themselves in
lending themselves to the 
rhythms and tones
of the scaffold i had just laid in stone
but as i was drifting to sleep again
the song would stem
laying down new lyrics
so id get up and write them out -
orange pen on orange post it
until they stopped, and id drift again.
this happend five times.
then finally, at 6am, i slept.

18. not too much later, i went to work
told tyler i had gotten two hours of sleep
but worked nontheless.
the morning i spent with three tiny skiiers
the afternoon with a shy teenage snowboarder
there was some magic that day
also the beauty of the morning after sleep deprivation
when everything is glowing and tingling and a little numb
life flows without thinking
because there is no thinking.
after work i visited catheiro and clark in truckee
prioritized seeing them over buying myself a space heater
and feeding myself in a timely manner
and going to some stupid bar after getting dinner with them
that was life saying 'stop doing things for other people
and take care of yourself first'
but catherio did lend me a heater so that was nice.

19. i didn't get sleep this night either, but i go to work anyway
now hemorrhoids are kicking in
maybe it's the lack of sleep or 
change in diet or
something but i am pretty fucked up.
i am assigned 3 little snowboarders
such cute ones but also
such handfulls
i play doggie with one of them
well we switch off throught the day
i hop myself up on sugar so i can keep up
and crash hard when i get home.
at least i have a small space heater now

20. i call in sick.  the hemorrhoids keep me up all night.
im still cold from the lack of a real heater.
i spend the day inside watching movies and mr robot
and drawing and playing a little music.
at some point this week i started a new yarn project.
i marbled a bunch last night too.
tried to do yoga many times and failed
im just trying to help myself again,
but realizing that this job thing is actively preventing me from falling apart
which is kind of what i came here to do.
so to fall apart, i need to lose the job.

21. taught a 4.6 yo and a 9 year old.
we didn't get far today
and i was exhausted all day
but the witch hazel from safeway helped my butt
and the bananas i bought and ate helped my poop
and i made some more music
and did laundry
and got an even better space heater
so hopefully things will shape up.
well see
it just nice to catch up on here.
i miss being in my own flow and not feeling ashamed of 
writing to some standard that i loved watching come out of myself
but when i try and reach that
im not londer just letting whatever come out
and instead i have hopes that what does come out
will look like someting

so here's to letting og
and being me
no matter how ungly that is.

i wrote a song with a lot of lyrics that feel vulnerable eto share
so raw and lost and uncomposed
maybe i should post it anyway
cause i really like the loop that it is over.
i want to go to bed soon
the sunrise this morning looked unreal from my window
and im sad i keep misssing sunrises
i want to catch one sometime soon.

love you josh
1.15.20

whose toes did you touch?
arms reasching up in
over
up ward and 
kissing the sky diving
through thin air deep as
those finger tips will
dip

i think they were mine.

-

I completed my level-1 certification today
I'm a REAL snowboard instructor.
i have to 
stand up better - 
that is with my hips thrust out
more like mj or elvis -
when i'm turning on my toes but
i passed!

The snow the past two days has been 
a real pleasure

im holding back my words
so this may get..
messy

lkajwelfknfalsnccaslkhef
yeah
there you go
let out those letterkajlshekb alkjshldf
you know they're not needed to 
stay in order 
feel what you're feeling and let it 
throughalskejrnklasgdvol;lakbse,kgl 
feels better huh?
letting whatever flow
like turtles on the raindrops on
ice cream raisinglowingpartners?
helow bout nownice?
ah
like a foot massage i can
release the tension holding me back from
making makistakes and 
flatunence and
deleting anything i didn't thing
was allowed to be here like
that letter i just dieleted by hapbit
let the mistakes be
theres no perfection
anyway
it s all perfect
somethies 
there needs to be the little mistakes
i jus

i just spend the last two sdays
trying to be perfect
for my practitionaler
examiner
to tell me that i can 
be a level one snowboard instructor
and that 
it is 
really
REALLY hard
on me

so im glasd thats over and i can make mistakes now
like scribbles on pages
and sloppy turns
and weird hip movmemnts on
and ollies that lankd on their front foot
because i LIEK how that feels
because i don't want to land flat
and i LIKE landing hard and making a noise
to let myself and 
the whole earth know that
i am HER

-

choo choo

-

on another note.
i loved the people i was testing with.
i met many wonderful riders,
got to get and give feedback ,
spent some time with new friends
shredding and fooling around and having fun
and exploring together.

thanks vives 
and tommy
and german
and lukas
and yichen
and the other two whose names i
never got
and im sad a bout that a little bit now

-

The certification went like this:
our first day it was freezing and stormy
wind gusts pulling snow off the ground and
sticking it into our faces.
we did a little bit of warm-ups and then
a little riding - demonstrating 
fully extended and fully flexed turns
then we divided up a basic beginner progression:
introduction/equipment/exploring range of motion
one-footed skating
j-turns
sideslipping/traverse
garlands
c-turns
s-turns
[mystery bonus level = flatland 360's]
in to 8 pieces and we each taught one segment.
i went first and taught the intro class
my nerves were buzzing before I started teaching
and i knew that it wasn't helping to be nervous so
i relaxed and did what I always do.
stand in front of a group of children
knowing they all are excited to play with
this new toy they're holding
and encouraged them to play.

i was told i needed to speak up more
and chack-in with my students by asking if 
they picked up specific knowledge i dished out
which were fair assesments.
going first can be scary
but i'm glad i did it.

Winds were howling the whole day
I was wearing toe-warmers
the teaching section took up most of the first day
our group began to cohere 
get closer, become supportive and playful and
toight.
we ended by learning slash turns and light-boxes
maneuvers that require quite a bit of 
balance and coordination.
slash turns are like tailpresses that sweep out,
spraying snow.
i think this was the first time in years I felt 
challenged in snowboarding.  and it was wonderful.
there is so much more for me to learn.

today was a lot of riding and learning how to 
analyze other's movements so we can give better
feedback about how they can improve their riding.
specifically by telling them how to change their
body shape.
i got better at carving, fully flexed turns,
ollies, and invented some new high fives.
I also learned more about 'reciprocal teaching'
where one encourages students to work together and
coach/teach/disoover the way themselves.
vives and i became friendlier and rode together a bit more.
i warmed up to our examiner asa,
and as usual german killed it riding.  always an inspiration.

i don't really want to write much more about today.
other than vives and i hiked the high-traverse and rode 
some wicked lines on the back side of the mountain.
i jumped off a cornice, we slashed through powder in trees,
and hooted and hollered the whole time.  what a grand day.

drove dan home - he lives at the bottom of my hill -
and then watched the sun set from the shores of lake tahoe.
i don't know if ill ever get tired of this practice.
it's so grounding to be in the cold,
shoreline waving with cooshing sounds
the light in the sky changing so slowly
i could almost breathe that slowly.
i said hi to a pine
got inspired by the light
and left for home.

i gave everyone at the certification celebration cookies
a good omen
ill have to remember that one.

time to stop writing here.
oh, i did morming page today. 
it felt great to get back on trach.
love you josh.

1.13.20

i felt good doing little yoga and cleaning all my dishes
this morning.  and i had an amazing day today - learning
how to teach carving and honing in our carving skills. 
plus today was my first cornice hike at squaw - I hiked
the mainline pocket above gold coast and picked up more 
speed than I ever have in my life.  German and I even 
practiced teaching beginner progressions with one another.
but somehow I still ended up eating a pint of chunky monkey
and watching a movie while the sun was still out and it was
snowing.  I won't always understand my choices.  And sometimes
I may not even agree with them.  But coming from an angle of
curiosity rather than anger or frustration really helps.

I'm a little stressed because I have my level-1 certification 
tomorrow.  Maybe that's why? Still - either way, I've been
getting very inspired by learning about shane mcconkey;
watching all his videos pre and post mortem.  He's turning
from a hero on a pedastal to a person, but I still look
up to him a lot.  I wrote my first little loopy song today.
'oh, i see - what you have done to me' 'digging in the garden,
jumping over rocks, swimmin in the stream, takin' off our socks'
I took the verse chord progression from lover you should have come
over and solo'd over it in many layers - it's not recognizable at all
but that song means so much to me.  I love it, and it gave me the
energy and courage to write this one.

sometimes we just need to do nothing, though. 
oh and drink water. definitely drink water.

1.11.20

there was a boy today
who didn't want to snowboard at all
dropped off by a parent who seemed so stoked
his kid may learn a love for the sport
but his tears masked any love for the moments
we tried to put on his boots
or walking outside board in hand
in chest really - a great big hug around
that huge mass almost as tall as he.

words didn't want to leave his lips
all of the answers to questions were no
and only a shake of the head at that.

there was another boy today
who only wanted his mother
and only wanted to go home
his tears only dried up at a request my supervisor made
'if you keep your eyes dry, i'll call your mommy'
hide your emotions, and you can have what you want.

when we kept him moving, he seemed to enjoy it
moving up the magic carpet
sliding slowly down the slope
but as soon as we stopped the tears welled up again
and screams and wincing faces
and they would only stop if we promised to find his mother
in exchange for control of his emotions.

it is in these moments that I wonder
is this were we learned that emotions
are unsafe to display?
that we will be rewarded for 
hiding everything inside?
is this why it took me so long to let 
any of my desires, tears, hopes, dreams out?

-

yesterday I had the opportunity to do something vulnerable.
i played the role of an upset child in front of my coworkers
on slope, on the ground. crying because I was 'too hot'.
it was nice getting into that space.

I also shared one of the connection games we've played many a time
the name share + a dance.
i choked up while explaning it, because it was the first time
i was sharing something really meaningful to me in this workplace.
and also public speaking is scary.

it meant a lot though.

-

tonight i watched frozen and the first 10 minutes of mulan II
I was so sad
i miss a sense of family and belonging
even though I know I came here to be alone.
i want to face the alone-ness
bue I'm starting to feel a little alienated at work
probably because I'm becoming more alone.

we'll see.
i just need to remember that I'm here for me.
then everything will be okay.

it's late and i'm going to sleep now
remember to love yourself josh


1.10.20

just so you know,
on my way home today
i caught the young full moon
peeking out over the mountains
on the other side of the lake
and pulled off the road
to watch it grow
and found a pier
all to my self
where i sung 
at the top of my lungs
with the moon's words
as the glimmering light
from the surface of lake tahoe
danced to our song.

this is what i came here for.

-

also, i found the exact same batch of yarn
that i bought in 2015
called * flashdance *
that I turned into a hat
5 years ago
and lost this september.

my hat is coming back to me
from new hands and a new heart
and i'm so grateful.

-

wow.
5 days 
was almost a month.

what am i doing here?!
look how bright the walls look
but brighter than the walls
look how bright my heart shines

i came here to get further away from
things that 
i wanted to do but
weren't what i want to do most
so i isolated myself to make
doing what i wanted to do most
easier

and now that i'm here
i see that
this isolation 
- though it helps -
wasn't necessary

i've got all the love inside of me.
and i can take my self 
where i want to go
how i want to play
what i want to learn
who i want to dance

we can meet beside the stars
those two freckles beside the moonrise
taking turns dipping our 
feet in the cold cold cold
waters of space
sipping drips
of that stuff
that once was us.

and by we, i mean
YOU 
and 
ME
and
ME.

my life is constantly on play
like a movie
if you didn't know me 
like that already
now you do.

swimming in glacial runoff
the pond in the backyard
behind that english family's house
that we were building
out of dirt and bags and
barbed wire

it was so hot outside
and everyone wanted to go swimming but
damn that pond was cold,
and no one would go in but you
and because of that, i wanted to prove to myself
and to the others that
i deserved to be with you
so i swam too
and kept my cool even though
i couldn't keep my breath.

the things I did for her.

endless adventures and misgivings and destruction and
love
because i thought that
the love I was feeling
had something to do with
the person in front of me
rather than
the person that I was.

-

did you hear the rattlesnake calling?
toes tipping its way
under a big-cloud-blue-sky
black ashphalt crumbling to
rock floating in a sea of tan dirt.

we wipe the sweat from our brow
with hardened hands under
the black and white gloves 
we gave each other.

your eyes always melted mine
and we were alone together
on an endless road
that stretched for miles

the raindrops that turned to hail
whole-hearted diamonds falling from
the place we held our hopes and dreams

no matter
the day has ended
and the rays of sun shown

i wish we'd never leave this spot.
but that was eight years ago
and you're married
and have a child
back were we started
and i'm closer to where we stopped
and i'm with my inner child
and i'm dating my self
and that is today.

doesn't stop me from missing that
and you.

-

sometimes i want to write out all of my adventures
in detail and at length - descriptive as i recall
as they come through.  I never really force them 
into vision - they just flash over, like rogue 
waves over the sea walls.

that nostalgic sorrow is full of pain.
but I have hope that if I can write these all out
then maybe i'll be open enough for
another adventure.

that i can stop holding onto these expereices that
mean the world to me at the moment and instead I can
move forward with my life.

-

today I said goodbye to hrothgar
who stayed with me the three days I had off from work

We did so much together in those two days -
hiked in the snow and found a vista of the lake,
found the x-country skiing association
and sipped hot chocolate in one of its warming huts
and cawed at the birds and kicked pinecones
picked pine pitch to cast a candle
walked off trail and discovered 
so many bunny tracks
and maybe those of a 
coyote or a fox or a raccoon or a tiny dog

talked of our mutual desired to be alone
and of our meditation practices
and went to the thrift store
which is by far the best store in town
and got me a kettle and dish towels and
a produce basket and a wooden spoon and 
eclectic flatware and a towel and can opener
and plates and a bath mat.

we hung up the squirrel tail i found
and made a shrine on the windowsill
we tasted trader joe's foods and were inspired
we dessicated an onion and made a chili spread with it
we made 16 burritos in the course of 30 minutes
cooked breakfast and lunch and dinner together
traded songs on guitar,
i hung some of my paintings on my walls
and japanese fabric prints over the bathroom door

we made a mess and cleaned up.
i bought pots and dirt for the apricot seeds 
we each had our experiments - our edges to push.
we went to the frozen lake nearby and hrothgar
had his first frozen lake walking experience
we found ice depth testers and 
experimented with the apparatus
till we found it was better used for
drawing in the snow and 
sport

snow angels lie still on the lake's ice
and within minutes, get up and go.
why is the ice on a lake bubbly?
and why were all the crayfish crawling out
leaving the cold lake for the colder shore
getting eaten and losing their claws?
treasures we found - only after finding ourselves
diving to the deepest depth of the lake and beyond.

Meditating late at night to the sounds that he brought.
I watched the world materialize and fall to illusion
then we played music how we could, and i fell to sleep.


1.5.20

i just ate
tortilla chips and
salsa for dinner
by accident

but also purchased
so much beautiful produce
with the intent of
making lunch for tomorrow.

sunset today was a watercolor 
hopped fences
and watching slivers of the sky
dance around stones
in the lake

this morning i reflected
that my winter was leaving
it's not cold here
and the snow is melting
i pray for a deeper winter
for solitude and exploration of self

i forgot my wallet and pass today
and when i went to get a replacement pass,
the supervisor said that i should buy her red wine
or a 6-pack, or she'd tell the boss-boss that I forgot my pass.
she was straight faced and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable.
i'd rather just tell my boss-boss.
i couldn't tell if she was joking or not.
but it doesn't matter to me.
if i get fired for forgetting my pass, and my wallet,
so be it.

I instructed one person today - a boy named william.
he had snowboarded for one day last year, and came back for his second day.
we started off on the bunny hill and he was so 'well mannered'.
quiet, not talkative, not interested in play or silly games,
just focused on learning how to snowboard.
It took an hour to find a smile prying from his lips
and that began the start of his learning.

from that first run, he began to allow himself to learn.
from his permissioning of failure - he watched himself grow.
and he grew.

By the end of the day he had accomplished what normally takes several days
in a matter of a few hours.

Not only discovering new ways 
to move on his board but
also finishing and fine-tuning
his control of the simpler motions.

i brought him to new and difficult terrain at the end of the day
and he fell a lot,
and i learned not to do that.
i could tell he was tired but excited.
so next time i'll save the exciting stuff for the middle.

it was cool to watch someone grow like that.




1.4.20

its late and i dont want to sleep without writing.
i've been sacrificing my practices for others and
today i stood up for myself.

my home is a substance-free space.
no one may use substances in it, and i get to decide that.

my home is a home of presence.
there's no need for me to 
play to other's beats
i will stand rooted in
the ground that i call mine

its time to start crafting
the life and days
that i will live 
here

and so that begins.


i wish i'd written more about
the classes i'd taught last week
the magic I'd made
the boundaries i helped these young ones cross
the trial i helped them surmount
the love i helped them give themselves
the perspective i helped them see
the motivation and excitement i helped them find

this work is not just 
showing people how
to ride down a mountain
for fun

in my uniform
i become a child's guide and ally
mentally
physically
emotionally

i show them the way
from where they are
no matter where they are
to where they are willing to be.

i thought that the majority of this work
would be bringing them to snowboarding
but
it turns out that
the majority of this work
is the same as the work i'd been doing

communication

processing pain

processing suffering

learning to be strong in vulnerability

and loving ones self.

it's wonderful and scary to be where i am
I feel my whole world crumbling beneath me
and a new seed plant.

i miss my ways
my habits and practices
my communities and spaces
but i know i just need to
bring them with me,
and be firm in bringing them with me.

how do I fold morning yoga 
and morning pages into
starting work at 8am?

how do I fold artist dates
and time to play
into a 6-day work week?

how do I fold remaining present
and self love practices
into the stress of managing
5 students in a sea of a hundred?

how do I fold a desire to
dive deeper into self - alone,
into the commitment to my job?

these will surely unfold.
but I know this.
I need to be vigilant and adamant here.

the company will buy my time
because they need it.
my friends and co-workers will ask for my presence
because they like it.
and I will say no.
because I can.
because I deserve to give my self
my time and presence.

and that is that.

i love you so much joshua
good night.


12.29.19

I am learning so much every day

Yesterday I was given a class of 6 
teenage boys that had never been snowboarding.

I asked for tips about how to run a class like that
and katie told me to work in group-cohesion.
for our introductions, I decided to pull in 
an indroduction exercise from authentic relating,
where one person says their name and makes a gesture
and everyone says 'hi ___' and repeats the gesture.
It offers space to be vulnerable in movement but also
be witnessed in one's expression by the entire group, 
 and  met in that expression and vulnerability.

I think it worked.  I took some skating exercises
that Coach Chad was instructing and then took them
to the top of the hill.  at that point we'd be learning
the parts of the board, how to skate, how to fall, and
how to walk for about an hour, and then I was told that
two other instructors would take my place and I was to 
put on ski boots to help out with the 3-4 year old skiiers.
I was really bummed out, and when that sadness arose, i
stayed with it, but also reminded myself to be grateful
that i even got a taste of running my own class that morning.
i spent the next couple hours running between the backyard
and the corral inside, bringing things like skiis and lost 
gloves to the kids that needed them.  Then i stood around
for a couple hours doing nothing.  So much frustration came.
it was a beautiful day and I could have been snowboarding.
or making art. or writing, but instead they were paying me
$14.hour to stand around in the sun doing... nothing.
That thought frustrated me so much, and still haunts me.
I decided to make an effort to do /something/ so i hung
out with some equally bored co-workers and met them a bit more.
then i helped one of the ski instructors teach two sisters
for a bit.  then finally we had lunch and I didn't know what
was next, so i went with a co-worker to get some pizza and 
came back.  Half-way through my pizza I found out I was getting
a private lesson - brother and sister, practically second day out
on the slopes.  The sister was so easy to handle, but the brother 
took some getting to know.  

Jake was 5 and was rebellious at first.  I welcomed him in that
rebellion, and he immediately softened and he explained that 
'sometimes i yell at people when i first meet them'
which seemed so reasonable to me.  We spent the rest of the day
bonding through all sorts of play, roleplaying, tackling fears,
making progress on snowboarding.  Jake had a relatively short 
attention span, but also was deep in his own spirit - own world.
and we made it work together.  by the end of the day he gave me
a huge hug and asked me and his dad if I was going to come to dinner
with them.  What a joy to be able to connect with someone in a way
that allows them to blooom and grow. I feel like Jake gets shut
down for his 'bad behavior', but really just needs to be met there
and seen for who he is when he is that way.  I dunno - doesn't
work for everyone, but worked for Jake.

Juliet - 8 - was sensitive.  She picked up on what was going on 
with jake at any time.  She also was super sensitive to the fit
of her gloves, or boots.  She kept taking them off and trying to
put them back on to make them more comfortable, and at first I 
tried to help with that - help alleviate the discomfort.  Then 
I realized it wasn't actually something that could be alleviated.
Juliet was focusing on the discomfort and amplifying it to the
point where it consumed her.  I took a step back and allowed 
these words to flow from my mouth, 'i see that you're feeling
uncomfortable and i wonder, what would happen if we just thanked
that discomfort for being there - just said out loud - thank you 
discomfort for being in my glove and being part of this day when
i get to go snowboarding for the first time this year?' She looked
at me funny and said those words and smiled.  'IM READY TO GO 
SNOWBOARDING!'.  All it takes is a little love and gratitude.

I also used that same strategy with a particularly sensitive 
child today - wayde.  He was in pain and frustration and I asked
him to out-loud thank that frustration for being there.
I told him it was okay for all of his hardship, that the difficulty
needed to be part of his experience, and... at only 9 years old... 
he got it.  He told me, 'I get that its hard for me and it's okay,
snowboarding has changed so many peoples lives and maybe right now
this is how it is changing my life.'  His words were profound, 
and for the rest of the day he had found freedom through that.
we got back on the slope and he had such a good time from that
point forward.

The power of attitude and grattitude.

I'm so grateful to have had German and Dan team-teach
with me today.  I learned a lot, and evne though I was 
mostly working with the kids that needed a little extra 
attention, it was marvelous to watch all of our different 
teaching styles and techniques complement each other.

life is good.
im tires.
love you.


12.27.19

what a crazy few days its been
teaching is... hard.
my whole body aches from
picking up small children that
can't seem to pick themselves

or dont want to

its hard to know when a child can or cant do 
something
i carried four snowboards at once
at the end of the day
when three tired childen
said they couldn't make it

who knows.

I'm learning emotional detachment from my students
at their age, the emotions cycle so rapidly that
if i follow them by externalizing my empathy
it can rock the boat in the wrong way
so instead, i become the rock
and i offer them land
to stand on.

I'm learning how to handle negativity
sometimes it feels like a test
to see if our relationship can survive
any adversarial energy
fights, repulsion, aggression, rebellion
but i finally am able to feel
and see
the love and tenderness underneath
every 'never', 'no', 'i hate you'.

I'm also learning how to be kind to myself.
Though I may be an instructor,
I don't have the caapbility to
improve any of these people's ability
nor is it my responsibility to.

I've been watching how others teach.
There are elements that I like and dislike
that I choose to incorporate into my own teaching
or not.

I wish to remove the power structure,
but it's so ingrained in children by the ages i'm teaching
even 5-year-olds
that i almost have to use it otherwise
the children don't understand how to be.

I'm learning how the power structure can be helpful
by creating bounds within which actions are safe,
children can play to those bounds and still end up
learning or exploring or growing
in the direction of
improved skill

The whole 'ski school' thing is troubling
it's clear that many of these children 
 are motivated by a desire to learn to ski or snowboard
but also that there are children whose parents
in some way are deciding that for them.

The range of focuses i've encountered are fascinating.
from die-hard practicing to
no focus whatsoever.
And holding space for all of these has been opening.
again - it's not my job to teach these students
it's my job to be with them wherever they are,
and hold space for them to do whatever they wish to do,
and nourish them if they choose to grow.

tomorrow's an early day so I may cut this short.
just know that
i've started getting better at teaching and relating to children
i've started getting better at snowboarding down chutes
I've started getting to know the lake and mountains better
I've decided to move into a 1-bedroom studio to deepen my practices
and ground myself
I've sent out my second international postcard

Oh - and I did a very scary thing today.

they let me, and what they were cooking smelled really good
I decided not to rent the place, but 
I was so proud of my self for asking
and yet I wish I had brought with me a postcard
so I oculd have gifted them something for the holidays

Give more gifts, i wish to do in the year new.

Im also feeling very starved of touch.
it's only been a week and a bit
and being so far from my dance/cuddle community
has me reeling.

maybe i can start a cuddle party here
although that may be hard in my studio.

oh, also... 
I pine for the days
when i find new parts of 
my self

just putting that out there
(thanks, steven universe)

12.22.19

i'm super sad right now.
so much has happened to me today but also
I wrote about half this post already and 
my computer crashed
so its gone forever
and thats dumb

it's not that hard to 
automatically trigger a sleep when
the power drops below a certain value
anyhow

so much has happened today

drifting in and out of sleep
catching the stars dotting the sky
before the sun rose
and drifting back to dreams
to catch the waking sky
and leaving the house before 7

driving alongside the shimmering lake
seeing the sun rise torn across
mountains jagged edges
light fraying across
the lake's wind-swept waves

snow-covered mountains calling me home
and talking to xiao all along the way

today was my first day teaching
i learned how to set up boards
and fit boots
and meet and greet children
and handle 'bad behavior' 
and get them ready for the day
through exercise and play

teaching is hard
there's the fight and drag
the lack of motivation
the tired and frustrated and cold
thers fighting the equipment
and body and mind

theres the aggression
and anger and devious
the finger guns shooting me 
on the magic carpet
the 'you're mean to me' 
coming from i don't know where
the temper and the frustratons.

but it all moves.  In children, 
so fast - just flashes of it all
the tides turn so quickly from
'i want to go inside' to 
'can we go out again now?'
needs are so simple and transient
but important too

there's the excitement and the triumph
the high-fives and the milestones
the new and exciting and
the old and true

there's also pain in growth
headaches and collisions
and inflexibility and fatigue

i watched one of my 8-year old students
get hit by an older woman skiier
in slow motion.

So many catching edges
and 'i can't do this'
and yet... so much growth.

In the end I feel like it was the play
that was most memorable
sledding and rolling around
dancing and making funny noises
connecting to each other through
the languages we want to speak
this feels like the key.

report cards and parents
cant seem to understand
it may not be possible
to measure growth
with a ruler

I learned how to hold space for two children today
i've come a long way today, but there
is still sooo much for me to learn, and 
i'm excited to do that.

Housing situation blew up today.
I still have a place to stay but
one of the other people seems to have
really taken a liking to me
and wants to set up a music studio in her attic
and buy my paintings.
she offered $200 for princess the pig
and I went into shock on the phone.
then because I hesitated she offered $100
then $50
and I ended up saying to her I'd give it for free
in exchange for her friendship but
I was still in shock and
i don't think I actually wanted to do that.

I really hope one of these housing situations
turns up positively

i went grocery shopping today
looking forward to cooking more

oh, and today was the first snowfall of my season!
on the solstice no less.
I love the snowfall.
I have to go to bed so i can wake up at 6am
and get to work before the crows clog the streets
but i hope that everything turns out well
i have fear in my belly
and buzzing in my veins
that maybe i mis-setpped today
but i know each day is part of the process
and i can spiral up or down
and i think today I spiralled up

oh, also I played didgeridoo in the ski village
and got funny looks and smiles and excitement
so that was fun.


12.21.19

awwww why didn't i get to write more in the past 
couple of days? :(  I'm kind of sad that I have to
choose between writing this, working on tdx, 
playing music, drawing, and looking for housing.

this housing search has been really draining.  

today was my first day on snowboard this season!
I was so stoked and pumped that i was jumping around
and doing snow angels and flopping on my back in 
the snow and it made everyone smile or laugh,
including the person i have a face-crush on.  
I think I'm really craving intimacy - i keep 
finding myself crushing on people and missing 
my closest most intimate friends and TOUCH
there is basically no touch here for me and
i miss that - the cuddle parties and dance!

Tuesday I have the day off so I'll probably go 
to nevada city and get my contact/dance/touch on.

It was so windy today that most of the mountain
was closed.  I barely got to snowboard - at most
2 hours of snowboarding, but it was still worth it.

It's so strange being on the other side.  
A lot of the culture around student-teacher
interactions is broken.  No frontal-hugs. 
Basically no intimacy at all. but I'm used
to being in a hippie community where we
run around naked and know our boundaries and 
trust others and dance with others naked in 
a non-sexual way so maybe... It's just because
I understand the boundaries of 'appropriate' and
'inappropriate' interaction differently.  
granted, children can't really consent, and 
there is a power dynamic present, so maybe
that's what's up.  shrug, it just feels 
complex.  

I asked about throwing snowballs and it 
was suggested not to.  Throwing snowballs
is one of my favorite things to do on the 
mountain, but there is fear around children
hitting each other in the face with snow
and crying and i guess that's relevant and
important.  It's funny how the whole...
prevent anything bad from happening motif
comes into play with children, who in my mind
are the most psychologically resilliant and
emotionally embodied/conscious of us all.

I went for a walk to eagle rock after work
today instead of going snowboarding more.
I had an intent of looking at the lake and 
getting inspired to paint tonight. The walk 
was lovely and brought me back to my self-
back to the space i was in when i decided
i wanted to come to tahoe - a desire to
connect to nature and my self in solitude.

i found the spot because there was a man on
top of the rock who caught my attention when
i drove past - so i turned around and stopped.
on the way up the trail i ran into that man and
thanked him for bringing me there.  He said, 
'oh, cool - maybe you were the one i vibed on'
i thought that was nice and funny, and we kept on.
I found some old caves like the mouth of the earth
with huge volcanic slabs held in jagged place
by cemented sandstone.  Before i approached them
I lay my technology on the ground far away.
something told me not to bring that stuff there.
too distracting, too disconnected from the rock.
i climbed up into one of the caves 

..... i think a bunch of text got deleted here :( ....

sunflower bakery, who serve vegan curried-corn PHATs 
that need a lot of work, and pizzabagels, and COOKIES.

I rented skis for the season for $40 which is..
kind of amazing.

I made some friends and noticed my tendencies
to crush on girls and just let that happen.
until it went away.  
I made a couple of friends.
People really like the sweater i have.
I keep forgetting to tell them that
the sweater likes them too!

People are nice here - most of them are
from argentina or chile and they almost 
all speak spanish.  I feel in many ways 
like an outsider.  I am definitely the 
weird one - and im used to that.

I was drawing during orientation and someone
liked my drawings and that made me feel nice.
I saw barbara when I went to go get my ID
and I added my name to the housing list,
maybe that will come to fruition.

I went to the mountain pizza shop in 
tahoe city where Alex (who started and
sold another pizza shop in truckee) 
slung me some pizza.  It was surprisingly
good.  And cheap.  The slice was about 1/4 
of a pie.  Mike and Jerry met me and told
me to apply to the redlight inn's long term
rental, so I'm doing that now.  I talked
to my mom on the phone on the way down
and we made-up from the pain i brought up 
in both of us on my way up from SF.
I met brian at his house where we talked 
about me renting a room.  He's kind and 
low-key.  The house isn't in great shape,
but it might be an okay place to stay for 
the next couple weeks.  I'm sitting in front
of a pellet stove typing this.

Several times during the day I was wondering 
if this was the place for me to be.
if I'd made a mistake in coming here.
I still am wondering that.  this is not easy
this is hard already, and I know it's only going
to get harder.  I'm not sure im growing in the
directions I want to be growing but.
I guess this is where i am right now.
I'm feeling like im surrendering instead of 
moving towards the light that calls me.
The logisitics that I'm learning here 
feel like a distraction.
In other news, I'm really appreciating and
experiencing gratitude for the
health that I have,
for the beauty of my surroundings,
and in hopes of the potential shenanigans
that may transpire.  It's easy to be silly
here, maybe.

I keep noticing myself trying to get into
relationships and friendships.  
but one of my goals is to spend more time
in me.  in the discomfort that is
being only with
me.

Tomorrow we ski together.
It should be fun.
I haven't changed clothes in 3 days. 
maybe it's time to do that.
oh, and get out my winter boots
and gloves
and socks

12.17.19

Kimmy's view is incredible
i feel at home in the woods - overlooking 
snow capped peaks and a vast valley
we got breakfast at Durga's Divine
I left my ferns at Kimmy's so they wouldn't die
and got on my way.

The drive up
a pound of flesh
carrying me home to
colder days and 
white-dusted trees and
crisp clouds

it was exciting to get to squaw
but i still had everything i owned 
in my car.  so i got onboarded
and read the whole arbitration agreement
and get my sweater compliments and 
employee parking sticker.
and I looked for houses 
like the wind would stop blowing
if I didn't keep sending emails
and cold calling fools that thought
they'd -
not sure where I was going that,
just wanted to write the word fools

Rebecca called and we talked life
talked about all the drama going on
back in sf, and also promised to 
be accountabie for reflecting on our 
past years.  Rebecca connected me to 
her cousin and her husband and saved me.

I met barbara who runs ticketing at 
the drunken monday and went to 
Ellen and Daniel's parent's house
just down the road from where
Core and I picked up Sab that one time.

Ellen and Daniel are so warm and welcoming.
Their parents house caught my eye two years ago
I'd always wanted to see the inside -
a roughly geodesic shape 
with lovingly hand-carved wooden sculpture
and smooth as ice floors.

Daniel's grandfather invented night vision in russia
He has the last functioning eyepiece in the family.
so we go for a winter's night stroll peeking through
a small green tunnel to daylight.
'who knew there were so many stars in the sky?'
Thank you, Grandpa Daniel, for your contribution
to my human experience on this evening in tahoe.

We finish up the night with ice cream and wine and
i gain a sense of comraderie and I witness these two
in union; cooking, eating, sports conversing, showing
love for each other in the eyes and ears of a stranger.

I catch up on this writing
I wish i could find an easy way
to post photos here.

I'll be checking out a couple houses after work
hopefully one of them can hold me for a while.

12.16.19

it's the night before I leave
i'm scared and not moving forward on what i have to do
like sleeping
and doing some chores
and that's okay
i've had a wonderful day
and i'm ready to sleep now
there's an adventure waiting tomorrow
i'm excited to figure it all out.

sleeping in my van in rob's garage
let's see how this goes.
wish me luck!

--next day--
laaate start
running errands like
looking for my car title at danyq's but not finding it
and getting pens and socks
and dealing with the van
and eating lunch at farmhouse
and forgetting ot drink water
and packing forest
and getting letters from keri's
and trying to buy an amp
and then getting stuck in traffic

i got hit by a giant truck
i was pulling in front of the truck 
and the driver didn't see me
and his truck moved my car sideways
it was a strange feeling
like i was in a boat, blown aside by the breeze
on a wave.
i shrugged it off and gave the driver a peace sign
the driver was freaking out and eventually
gave me the peace sign but 
inside I was drowning in panic
did my car just get fucked
does it still drive straight
i rushed off the highway in panic
my whole body was in shock
tingling and melting and giving up
'i can't do this anymore'
'that's it, i don't want to do this'
'i can't do anything right'
'i break everything i touch'
'i can't even get out of the city,
how am i supposed to find housing
or make music or teach skiing'
i called my dad
who kind of helped
he tried to solve my problem
but at least he also held space for me 
while i yelled
and cried
and talked about feeling like i wanted to die
and then gave me space to self-reflect on my pattern
and give it space to work itself out.
i talked to my mom
who didn't really help
but gave me love anyway
so i went to rainbow and got some groceries
and food i'd never ear - kefir and kombucha
some weird potato wrap, 3 bars of soap,
chocolate, tangerines, some granola
i talked to my friend kimmy from soulplay
who said she had a place for my to stay in 
nevada city.  i got on the road. 3 hrs of traffic later.

well hold up.  first i kind of didn't let go.
i was angry and sad and confused.  i started
texting and driving my mom and being aggressive,
and until i yelled at the top of my lungs, i 
didn't calm down.  really i just calmed down
when the traffic went away.  or i dont know.
at some point things got better.  i guess i
just had some self-conpassion at some point.

I made it to nevada city and went to dance there
ecstatic in nevada city is off the hook.
I look forward to going back.
Kimmy's house is filled with treasures
and warm things to sleep under.